Questions that are often asked to a girl who has returned from 'Amreeka' and her not so appropriate answers

Now that I am back to my homeland for good, and lost my NRI status I am subjected to questions from relatives, family friends and acquaintances. I can understand that they are curious and they mean well. But I find their interrogation irksome and would love to give back sarcastic answers. I refrain from doing so thanks to the threats of disownment by mother dear. These are the top 10 questions asked along with the answers I would love give.

1. Why did you come back? 

Me: Excuse me? I thought you were worried about brain drain. I just came back to ease your worries.

2. When will you get married?

Me: As soon as I can find a guy stupid enough to marry me. Or do you think I should kidnap someone and force him to marry me? 

3. When will you give us good news?

Me: What kind of good news? Are you referring to the ones they show in bollywood movies, where the girl throws up indicating her pregnancy? Umm let me see. My success rate at seducing men is zero. So probably never. Unless you happen to know of a good sperm bank?

4. You have become so formal, holding doors open to strangers and saying thank you to cashiers. Is everything ok?

Me: Yes! Just going through a sickness called 'decent manners'. Will be rude enough once the sickness leaves.

5. How are you feeling right now?

Me: Extremely overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I could punch you in the face right now.

6. Did you become a drunkard after going to america?

Me: Yes! I was famous for it. It was me who peed in front of your house after my drinking session last night.

7. Do guys and girls live in the same house before marriage?

Me: Yes! We are also famous for our orgies. 

8. You must feel lonely.. not being married?

Me: You got me there auntie. I am so lonely that I am going to build my own ice castle like the princess in frozen and sing "Let it go".

9. You must missing walking around in Bikinis?

Me: Yes auntie, I desperately miss showing off my flab and cellulite deposits.

10. Do you miss 'freedom'?

Me: Wait whaaaat? Did I miss something? Last I checked India was a free country. Did something happen that will make me miss 'freedom' ??