#100HAPPYDAYS

#100HAPPYDAYS--This was one of the things that went viral on Facebook and other social media at the beginning of the year. The challenge was to post a picture of something that made you happy on that day and do this for 100 consecutive days. There was a lot of backlash against this challenge saying that its impossible for someone to be happy for 100 days. 

But this is what I thought of it- I don't have to be happy all the time, but I was quite sure, I would be happy even if it was for a minute in that day. So I began the challenge on 8th Jan 2014. Initially I found the challenge overwhelming- It was like I had to be on an alert for when I felt happy and snap a picture at that moment. After two weeks it just felt normal- a part of my routine.

When I was doing this challenge, I was suffering from depression. But this challenge helped me overcome my issues as I realized I have an extremely privileged life. That each day of my life is interesting despite the challenges I had to face. 

I thought people will be annoyed with me for posting a picture everyday and spamming their newsfeed. I was scared that I would be judged as a show-off. What I did not expect was the kindness and encouragement I received, from my friends. This helped me over come my fear of being judged and I stopped being cynical about people's attitudes. 

I am very glad I did this challenge. It made me realize how awesome my life is and how thankful I should be for what I have. It made me a positive person and gave me the courage to face things.

To quote from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes- ' The world is a magical place Hobbes ol' buddy. Let's go exploring' -- This is how I feel about my life right now.

A collage of all the pictures taken during this challenge

Joys of having an Indian Passport

I planned my Europe trip the very last minute. I realized I can go on a solo trip (read as afford) as soon as I got back my tax returns. Hence the planning began two weeks before the intended date of departure (I am very well known for my last minute antics).

I was under the assumption that obtaining Schengen visa will be easy, but my illusion was shattered soon enough. Since my point of entry to the EU was at Munich, I had to apply for a Schengen visa at a German consulate. I started looking through the German consulate websites for the various documents required to obtain a visa. There was no consistency as each consulate in the United states had listed different set of documents required in order to obtain a visa. For e.g SF german consulate needed W2 (tax filing form) for the last three years where as the consulate in LA did not mention anything about needing a W2.

The reason for this inconsistency is because people with american passports can fly to Germany (or 172 countries across the globe) visa free and consulates don't need to worry about having a streamlined visa process in the US much to my annoyance.

The list of documents I needed to obtain a visa seemed endless-- They needed a valid airline ticket, travel insurance (apparently my insurance in the US wont cover for up to $60k on international travel), pre- booked hotel/ hostel reservations, employment verification letter, bank statements for the last three months (to prove that I have sufficient funds), W2, my pay stubs for the last three months, copies of all the visas in my passport, my EAD card and I 20. By the time I got all these documents ready I was pissed off. Because if I did not get my visa on time I would lose a lot of money, thanks to my non refundable pre- bookings. All because of a passport. Sigh.!

Some of the guys I know at my lab who have American passports went hitchhiking and couch- surfing all across Europe with probably 100$ in their pockets. I don't think they had insurance, and some of them worked part time at bars to make money for their onward travel. And here I am subjected to the torture of getting a visa every time I want to travel. By the time I finished taking printouts of the documents needed I was hatching a devious plan. To trap some American citizen guy and make him marry me. That way I can get an American passport in three years. Sounds preposterous I know. But hey-- I was frustrated and coming up with devious ideas kept me sane.

The visa interview went on smoothly. I bonded with the visa officer by talking about Tristan and Isolde and other Wagner's operas. She was impressed with my knowledge of Germany (as I went on talking about why I wanted to visit the places and how it was my childhood dream etc) and assured me that I would get my visa as she wanted help me fulfill my childhood dreams. Reading a lot pays off I guess.

On my way back home, from the consulate I began praying, for the patience needed to go through this process again--Unless I let my devious side take me over. 

First World Problems

Sometimes I catch a virus called First World Problems or FWP  A short summary of the disease is given below:

Cause: Usually triggered off by interacting with people under very normal circumstances.

Symptoms: Depression, Hopelessness, Identity Crisis and Panic Attacks

Cure: Eating high calorie junk food and moving on to the denial phase.

Definition of First World Problem virus:

Virus that attacks the well endowed class. It makes people forget the big picture and helps them focus on trivial and shallow problems. Example: Not finding my favorite pasta sauce and having to settle for a different sauce makes me annoyed. I know I should be grateful for being able to afford the food I want to eat. Yet I am angry for having to change my dinner plans.

How I caught this virus three days back:

It was a normal Friday afternoon. I had a productive day and was in a good mood. I was waiting in line at the USC pharmacy to pick up my prescription medications. That's when I noticed him. He was soooooo gorgeous. Looked like some chiseled greek god with his blond hair and blue eyes. He picked up something from the meds aisle and caught me staring at him. He smiled back and started talking to me. Americans are really good at the so called 'small talk'. Now he is behind me in the line. He asked me if I wanted to grab coffee with him at Ronald Tutor Hall. I have never been on dates with strangers. To be honest I don't go on dates. But being asked out by a hot guy is a huge ego booster and it made me reckless. I said yes.

Two counters opened up at the same time. So the handsome hunk and myself stand next to each other and begin checking out our meds at our respective counters. The pharmacist at the hunk's counter asked him for his date of birth. He said ' 5th May 1996'. I almost had a heart attack. He is almost 10 years younger than I am!!! He is younger than my sister! Shit! I was close to hyperventilating. Thankfully I finished my transaction before him and fled without taking a second look. The FWP virus had successfully entered my system.

Manifestation of the symptoms:

I ran out of the pharmacy and contemplated on places to hide. I felt ancient. I felt like a cradle robbing pervert. I hated being old. Thus the self loathing and self doubt began. I had gone from being immensely happy to having an intense identity crisis in less than 7 minutes. I know I should be feeling happy that a hot 18 year old flirted with me. I should feel happy that I look young and have good health. Yet I chose to ignore that. The virus is very strong you see. Its really good at the work it does. I just walked to the train station so that I could go home. My bat-cave. The place to hide and sulk till I find a cure to the FWP virus.

Finding a cure:

There isn't a fixed cure for FWP's. Its trial and error of various activities until I find the one that helps. I repeat that activity long enough for me to forget my identity crisis and transition into denial. The activities usually involve eating fattening food (I will think about cardiac arrest and diabetes after I recover) and watching TV shows. 

* I had to settle for chocolate ice-cream as it was the only fattening food I could find in my bat-cave. I watched Agents of SHIELD (all 10 episodes), finished a gallon of chocolate ice-cream and dozed off into the denial phase. 

Conclusion:

I woke up the next morning feeling shallow and stupid. I had been cured. I thank my blessings for the life I have and try to move on. But I could feel the virus lurking around in the corner waiting for its next opportunity to strike me. I am sure the virus doesn't have to wait very long. *Sigh*

P.S: If I could ever compete with Marie Antoinette for shallowness I am sure I would come close to winning. 

Namma Bengaluru

I watched Citizen Kane, yet again. Kane on his deathbed remembers a memory from his childhood which was probably the happiest times of his life. Watching it put me into a nostalgic mood and I started reminiscing about home- Bengaluru.  Happy times. Its been close to two years since I went home.

The rainy Bengaluru skies

My mom's beautiful rose garden

I have had a tough year. I realized something wasn't okay with my life. It hasn't been for a long time. I refused to accept the fact that I may be suffering from depression. I pushed off seeking help for way too long. I don't know why, its probably because of the stigma associated with any sort of mental illness. To accept help for mental illness is considered weakness and yet accepting help for depression has been one of the hardest thing I have done so far.

I went to consult a psychiatrist in August, claiming that I am not happy though I have everything I want in life. They asked me to think about the time I was the happiest and determine the reasons for my happiness. 

That's when it hit me. I haven't been happy ever since I was 15. I was happier when I did not have the things I have today. I did not have a swanky degree from one of the top schools in the US. I did not have paper publications. I did not have a huge penthouse loft in downtown Los Angeles. I did not have fancy shoes/ clothes/ books and other stuff I have today. I did not dine at fancy restaurants or do solo road trips. I did not have any gadgets. I did not have money of my own.

Yet I was in a blissful heaven. Those were the times when:

• I would wait for exams to get over and for summer holidays to begin so that I could spend endless hours in the scorching sun searching for insects, flowers, leaves, kittens, puppies in the gullies of Malleshwaram. 
• I would wait for my dad to come home so that he could take me out to buy me a softy ice- cream from MTR. 
• I would wait for that time in the evening when my grandmother would light up the lamps, incense sticks and recite prayers. 
• I would wait for the neighbors to head out so that I could steal raw mangoes from their tree. 
• I would spend countless hours plotting my next prank.
• I would have fantasies about going on rides in fun world and eating cotton candy. 
• I would wait for sunday evenings to watch a Kannada movie airing on DD1 with my family. 
• I would wait patiently to see if small change was lying around so that I could go buy the unhealthy lolly- ice candy. 
• I would patiently wait for a mosquito to let its guard down so that I could take pride in killing it. 
• I would wait for nights when my dad would take me to the railway station and feed me thair sadam (rice with yogurt) with pickle as we watched trains jostle by. 
• I would wait to go to my grandmother's house so that I could demand her to tell me stories from morning till night. 
• I would wait to come back from school so that I could watch cartoons on Cartoon Network with my sister and argue about who gets Dexter. (We both had a crush on Dexter from Dexter's lab.)

Materially I had nothing. I was in school, carefree, did not give a s*$# about my identity, did not feel bad that guys took no notice of me, did not care about my grades and performance. Yet I was rich with - happiness, innocence, naiveness, bustling energy, naughtiness, imagination. I had everything I ever wanted in life.

It sucks to grow up and fend for myself. It sucks to have a real understanding of the world. It sucks to know that I have become cynical about a lot of things in life. It sucks to know that I don't possess the richness I had, 12 years ago. 

The positive outcome of going and seeking help for depression has helped me reconnect with my childhood. I have a clearer perspective about the things I want in life. I am in the process of rediscovering the child buried deep within me. I have learned the value of small experiences.

Most importantly I have realized the value of having a wonderful childhood in Bengaluru, for giving me priceless memories to cherish for a lifetime. I miss home.

Why I changed the name of my blog

I am sure my blog name raises a lot of questions. Or maybe not.

I look like a grownup but I am child at heart. I jump with joy when I eat M&M s, or go wheeeee when the breeze blows my frizzy hair to make it look like a beehive. Such small pleasures make me very very very happy. The clear lack of maturity in my behavior and mannerisms used to irk my parents particularly my amma dear, who expected me to be prim, proper and dignified,  hallmarks of a girl from a good family.

But pretending to be something I am not, is really hard. Being a child from within helps me enjoy life and gives me a sense of freedom. I have always thought of myself as Calvin (From Bill Watterson's comic Calvin and Hobbes)-- naughty, hyper, constant source of annoyance to his mother and six forever. (Sorry mom, I know you tried really hard to change me and I know that you did it out of love. I also know you have come to terms with who I am and love me for it and I am thankful for that.)

When I watched titanic in the year 2000 (I was 13) I was baffled as to why the heroine- Rose DeWitt Bukater (who seemed to have everything - good looks, rich fiance and all the luxuries she ever wanted) wanted to run away from her good life. As I grew older I understood why she wanted to run away. She craved for the freedom. The freedom to be a child. The freedom to explore the magical world.

I don't know if Rose in Titanic made peace with her mother, but I sure did, which is frigging awesome because I don't know what I would do without my amma dear and best daddy.

Exam Time

Its a beautiful morning. The weather is just tailor made for those who love to procrastinate. I am up since 6 in the morning. The weather outside seemed so endearing. I went for a ride on my bike and let the breeze blow my hair. Did random junk. Messaged people to find out what internals I have tomorrow. I decide to study. Open my book. Then decide against studying. Its not worth spending such a lovely day in front of GSM text book and here I am enjoying a beautiful Sunday. Listening to the birds chirp. Looking at the squirrels run around our front yard. Listen to mom yelling at me, for wasting time since morning. An experience so divine and blissful. And not studying for tomorrow's internals makes this experience all the more likable. 4 years in engineering and I m yet to learn how to write an internal without copying. The weather never helps. I am happy that I am able to enjoy other things much better when I need to study. I love exam time. :)

Blore Weather

Its a one of those days, when the weather is just perfect to do the following activities:

1. To sleep with a warm blanket on.

2. To drink hot chocolate in bed.

3. Remain Passive throughout the day.

When ever the weather conducive for me to go into my hibernation mode, it so happens that i WILL have heaps of work to do which need immediate attention. I need to clean my room before my mom returns home from work and blows her lid looking at the mess in my room ( I really dont get the point with mom being so touchy about the mess in my room. I m not forcing her to come in my room anyway and i like my room the way it is. Its got that personal touch at least). I need to go pay up some check in a bank that is 9KM away from my place (Dad was too bored to drive in the traffic to go to that bank, and I get stuck doing all the jobs that he is bored to do). I have to do my GSM assignment so that i get that 5 extra marks in GSM. I thought at least during my last semester I wont be writing internals for the third time. Shame.

Talking about the final few days of college, i cant believe its over. It is difficult to accept the fact that i wont be late to class anymore. I wont have any more internals, assignments, or put up with creepy jokes of appa sir! . 4 years. A brilliant experience! That sums it all. :)

Statement of Purpose

Holidays have begun(well almost, i still got one more exam on the 19th and its still a long way to go) and i m already experiencing the i don't like holidays symptom :P some how i seem to have so much work to do(apart from studying that is) when exams are going on, n they just cease once holidays began. I had to work on my Statement of Purpose before my exams, and that was an adventure by itself. I was not entirely sure what to write( for all those who are wondering what i m talking about, Statement of Purpose is some kinda document the Universities in US ask while filling up application forms) because its an important document which could decide whether they want to take me in or not. Its supposed to show seriousness, focus etc etc along with my achievements and how i have progressed in my studies and so on( its more like it talks to them on my behalf telling them who i am) and i really was not sure how to do it. For one if i had to be honest, i had nothing at all to brag about. I was just among st the thousands who pursue engineering in India and getting a seat at Ramaiah was nothing great either. My undergrad marks have been average. I haven't achieved anything substantial and yet i gotta show them i m cut above the rest so that they take me in. I really wanted to tell them that my purpose was to be serious from now on and study further and i have nothing at all to brag about. For the first time in my life i had difficulty in writing. Probably cos for the first time in my life i was writing about what i have done in my life till now( i never thought it was worthwhile thinking about my past, cos i cant change it anyway) and i freaking had to portray to them something i m not. My first versions of SOP were bad!! I got some of the worst criticisms ever for my writing.The deadlines were fast approaching, i had my exams going on and i was in a terrible mess. Finally i decided to write a story (My SOP made me look really good).  Felt that honesty is not exactly the best policy to be followed ( could not write the purpose I had on my mind) and finally i was done with it. Got a pretty good review for my latest one. All i have to do is fill up application forms and its terribly boring. In retrospect writing an sop was actually entertaining.

Computer Communication

After a hiatus of a year and 10 days, i am back. I sure deserve a round of plaudit!!

1. For deciding to blog here.

2. For the fact that i will get a 35 and clear my computer communication networks paper (CCN)

I know its nothing great, but yet i feel i m entitled to brag about my  CCN adventure. I feel its my duty, to enlighten people about my experience, and some day i think i will find a fellow sympathizer.

After my satellite communication paper, i was feeling all flushed  and tired thanks, to VTU, who thinks i need to get my comeuppance, for not studying all through the semester, by setting such a miserable and lengthy paper. So i decide that i need a well deserved break( knowing that CCN was a monstrous subject, and i had not even opened my text book till date, and i had to complete close to 400 pages to cover up for 100 marks). I guess i had too much faith in my ability, to perform under pressure or rather study during the last minute, which has been my trademark for the last 6 semesters. so i decided i wont change this habit of mine. After all old habits die hard :) So the entire of evening of the 22nd was spent on contemplating on what i could possibly do. But trust me contemplating on doing useful things is the world's best soporific drug, and i ended up dozing off on my bed at 9 to wake up at 9 on the 23rd, still feeling sore n sleepy. I would like to summarize the events that happened on 23rd, with just some 29 hours left to go for CCN exam

9am- I m still drowsy, i kinda look as though i have some kind of a hangover(sat comm hangover probably). I feel i need more of my beauty sleep and go back to sleep

11am- I finally managed to pull myself away from my bed( i think my bed's the most attractive thing in the world).

1pm- I am done taking bath etc, everything to make me look presentable( my grandmother's too good at blackmail, she refuses to give me food until i look presentable-- wearing proper day clothes instead of my PJ's . Sigh!! The whole world's against me being, myself)

3pm-Diz calls me up to tell me she's having a tough time trying to study. (what a bummer, i had just managed to open my text book). our conversation lasted for half an hour and it included all the topics under the sun, apart from the subject we had to study.

5pm- Me being an optimist, i still am some how sure i can pull off a miracle in another umm, 21 hours to go for the exam. I make a 101 plans as to how to carefully utilize the remaining hours so that i can obtain a decent score in tomo's paper.

7pm- After all the planning i gain some momentum, n finished a chapter worth 20 marks. Another 15 to go. Ha! I will be done with ccn once and for all if i get that endearing score of 35. I realise i still had 18 more hours to cover up 15 more marks, which would be easy. May be i could relax for a while.

11:30 pm- The small break extended up all the way till umm 11:30. My optimism levels have come down a bit and i feel jittery. I realize I am not able to concentrate. When i am not able to do anything, i feel the best thing to do is to sleep.It some how reverses all the bad things :P

The exam day:(24th)

4:30 am- I some how manage to start studying seriously(sleeping for 2 hours did the trick)

2pm(24th)- I am entering the exam hall with a feeling that i m entering my own grave.

3pm- I m surprised i have finished writing for 40 marks. I marvel at my capabilities to invent my own theory and pass it off as some one else's( I m not sure what's the opposite of plagiarism is and I m sure Djistra and Bellman and Ford or any of those jobless guys who designed some routing algorithm, so that people like me can blog at peace and abuse the internet :P would have hated me for murdering the elegant solutions they came up with after years of hard work.)

5pm- End of exam. I m neither satisfied nor sad about my performance. But looking at the brighter side of life, i think i dont have to study this for the second time

:)