Why I cannot use the "All natural, DIY at home" hair products

I probably should not be using the word never. I have been known to break my promise to myself time and again. For instance I made this promise to myself when I used an egg masque for my hair 3 months ago. But apparently I did not learn from my mistake, because I decided to try another DIY all natural hair masque today. 

Like all addicts I make an attempt to justify my relapse. Why do I fall for such all natural DIY hair products? 

Its probably because 

a. I care a lot about the environment (no, I am not being sarcastic here)

b. I am broke and 

c. Nature loves to be sarcastic to sarcastic people (the whole Karma thing. Grrh) 

Let me elaborate. I have coarse, unruly, frizzy, curly hair. This is where point c, becomes relevant. Why? Because my mom and sister have beautiful straight hair that doesn't require theatrics, to tame it every week. Some how I never got those genes-- nature decided it would be best if I got my dad's unruly hair genes. While my dad doesn't need to bother much, as he can chop his hair whenever he wants, I am the one who's bearing the brunt of the idiotic genes he passed on to me. I would say this is his way of getting even with me- after all he has been putting up with my crap for all these years. 

Anyway coming back to my unruly hair - I need to spend a lot of time, effort and money to keep my hair in check. This is where point b, becomes relevant- I am working on my own company and I don't get a paycheck every month. So all the fancy hair products that were affordable before are no longer affordable. Lack of money has made me question my choices - Why do I spend 50$ on a 8oz bottle of shampoo, thats supposedly filled with chemicals that "pollute the environment"? 

Ergo, point a becomes relevant!!

For the last 3 years I have made a conscious effort to change my lifestyle, in order to reduce the burden I place on the environment - I buy e-books instead of print books, I don't use more than a bucket of water when I shower and so on. The one thing that hasn't changed however is the amount of artificial hair products I use. This is not due to lack of effort from my side, but due to some twisted logic nature has when it comes to my hair. Whenever I try some all natural hair thingy, it always backfires and to undo the damage I end up using more of those artificial hair products. So I swear off all those natural hair products for a while. I mean if nature wants me to release more pollutants, by being so uncooperative, who am I to argue? 

Eventually guilt and more importantly, reality (my bank balance could not support my hair care choice anymore) kicks in. So I decide to give this all natural DIY stuff another chance, and this leads me to the debacle that is today afternoon. 

After researching on the internet for natural hair masques, I found one that I hadn't tried - Banana and yogurt hair masque. I religiously followed all the instructions and applied the goop looking masque to my hair. I let it stay in my hair for an hour. But I must admit I didn't think this through- Let's just say that banana, honey and yogurt in your hair will attract fruit flies, will make your hair smell funny and make your hair sticky. Not to forget that small pieces of banana will act as though it has been super glued to your hair. So after spending 2 hours and countless buckets of water (so much for being conscious consumer of water) I just gave up, trying to get all the banana out of my hair. 

Banana-1, Madhuri - 0. Well played banana, well played. 

Eventually I went to a salon, got a hair wash and finally I had banana free hair. I am sure the hair stylist used some high grade industrial solvent to melt the banana in my hair. Lesson learned- Nature doesn't want me to be organic, when it comes to my hair. So my quest for natural hair products ends today (or so I think). 

P.S. I plan to sue my dad for passing on bad hair genes to me. Its his fault that I have bad hair and therefore its his responsibility to support all expenses related to my hair right? RIGHT? 

Questions that are often asked to a girl who has returned from 'Amreeka' and her not so appropriate answers

Now that I am back to my homeland for good, and lost my NRI status I am subjected to questions from relatives, family friends and acquaintances. I can understand that they are curious and they mean well. But I find their interrogation irksome and would love to give back sarcastic answers. I refrain from doing so thanks to the threats of disownment by mother dear. These are the top 10 questions asked along with the answers I would love give.

1. Why did you come back? 

Me: Excuse me? I thought you were worried about brain drain. I just came back to ease your worries.

2. When will you get married?

Me: As soon as I can find a guy stupid enough to marry me. Or do you think I should kidnap someone and force him to marry me? 

3. When will you give us good news?

Me: What kind of good news? Are you referring to the ones they show in bollywood movies, where the girl throws up indicating her pregnancy? Umm let me see. My success rate at seducing men is zero. So probably never. Unless you happen to know of a good sperm bank?

4. You have become so formal, holding doors open to strangers and saying thank you to cashiers. Is everything ok?

Me: Yes! Just going through a sickness called 'decent manners'. Will be rude enough once the sickness leaves.

5. How are you feeling right now?

Me: Extremely overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I could punch you in the face right now.

6. Did you become a drunkard after going to america?

Me: Yes! I was famous for it. It was me who peed in front of your house after my drinking session last night.

7. Do guys and girls live in the same house before marriage?

Me: Yes! We are also famous for our orgies. 

8. You must feel lonely.. not being married?

Me: You got me there auntie. I am so lonely that I am going to build my own ice castle like the princess in frozen and sing "Let it go".

9. You must missing walking around in Bikinis?

Me: Yes auntie, I desperately miss showing off my flab and cellulite deposits.

10. Do you miss 'freedom'?

Me: Wait whaaaat? Did I miss something? Last I checked India was a free country. Did something happen that will make me miss 'freedom' ?? 

Reverse culture shock?!

Bangalore has transformed leaps and bounds. Looking at the lifestyle of the kids that seem to roam/ occupy the streets of namma Bengaluru (yes I called them kids! And yes I am officially old!) I feel like a villager oblivious to the ways of the exciting city life. I mean how on earth did the city change so much in the five years I have been away?? My lifestyle in LA seems to pale in comparison to the lifestyle these kids have.

Another noteworthy point - everyone seems to be flushed with money. The city is filled with display boards advertising luxury condos and apartments. With starting prices of 2 crores???????? I mean where do people get the money from? To buy such properties? Along with all tag haeur watches, manhalo blahnik shoes and louis vuitton bags? And all the pub hopping and eating at fancy (super expensive) restaurants? Are people tapping into some secret source of money-well that I am not aware of? If yes, can someone be kind enough to point me to that money well? I would love to be on par with early twenty somethings inhabiting Bengaluru. 

I am no doubt displaying symptoms of reverse culture shock.

P.S: How on earth do the girls appear so well groomed? I look like a poster child for chaos of gomarrah in comparison. Bengaluru is doing some serious damage to my self image.

#100HAPPYDAYS

#100HAPPYDAYS--This was one of the things that went viral on Facebook and other social media at the beginning of the year. The challenge was to post a picture of something that made you happy on that day and do this for 100 consecutive days. There was a lot of backlash against this challenge saying that its impossible for someone to be happy for 100 days. 

But this is what I thought of it- I don't have to be happy all the time, but I was quite sure, I would be happy even if it was for a minute in that day. So I began the challenge on 8th Jan 2014. Initially I found the challenge overwhelming- It was like I had to be on an alert for when I felt happy and snap a picture at that moment. After two weeks it just felt normal- a part of my routine.

When I was doing this challenge, I was suffering from depression. But this challenge helped me overcome my issues as I realized I have an extremely privileged life. That each day of my life is interesting despite the challenges I had to face. 

I thought people will be annoyed with me for posting a picture everyday and spamming their newsfeed. I was scared that I would be judged as a show-off. What I did not expect was the kindness and encouragement I received, from my friends. This helped me over come my fear of being judged and I stopped being cynical about people's attitudes. 

I am very glad I did this challenge. It made me realize how awesome my life is and how thankful I should be for what I have. It made me a positive person and gave me the courage to face things.

To quote from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes- ' The world is a magical place Hobbes ol' buddy. Let's go exploring' -- This is how I feel about my life right now.

A collage of all the pictures taken during this challenge

Day 3: A day in paradise- Hallstatt, Austria

My euro trip was whacky so to speak. I wanted this trip to be an amalgamation of various experiences- a day in the place of my childhood dreams, a day in the alps, a day in a small non-touristy city and so on.

Hallstatt was voted as one of the best small towns in Europe, by traveler's choice. As I did more research on this town I found out that it had the oldest salt mine in the world. So I decided that I had to visit this place- plus the pictures looked gorgeous. Truth be told, the pictures I saw online did injustice to the breathtaking beauty of the place.

Nestled on the banks of Lake Hallstatt, the town of Hallstatt was famous for its salt mines. It has the typical feel of a small town, lots of cafes, rustic buildings, a small cathedral with a bell tower, which chimed every hour and the blooming flowers- harbingers of the upcoming summer.

The salt mine tour was mind blowing- I got to explore a 7000 year old mine. To reach the mine, I had to take a funicular up the mountain and I was treated to breathtaking views of the town below. The tour included a ride down a 64 ft wooden slide (it was awesome), laser shows inside the salt mine caverns and a train ride in a long tunnel. The train ride alone made the whole trip worthwhile! I was given a small salt bottle mined in those caves at the end of the tour

After the tour, I walked to a Viewing platform nestled atop Mount Salzberg, which gives a panoramic views of the city and Lake Halstatt.

The funicular to the top of the salt mine.

The caves inside the salt mine.

The wooden slide.

Salt crystals on display

The laser show inside the caverns.

Moi on the viewing platform

The view of the town from the viewing platform on Mt. Salzberg

View of the Lake Hallstatt from the funicular

I spent the afternoon, walking around town. It is extremely pretty. I spent some time sitting by the lake and reading a book. The weather seemed to have its own mind. It would rain heavily all of sudden. It seemed like the rain gods had a personal vendetta on me. Whenever I stepped out it started raining. I was wet and miserable but thankfully I found a cafe which had vegetarian options. I had some warm food and hot chocolate and was treated to some spectacular views of the lake. I was extremely happy to have found some vegetarian food in this small town. 

I did not want to leave. With a heavy heart I drove back to Salzburg to attend a formal dinner concert in a 1200 year old restaurant.

The view of the town from the south side

The restaurant by the lake Gastof Simony- Ate delicious pesto pasta, garlic bread and topped it off with hot chocolate.

View of the town from the north side.

Day 2: The drive across the austrian alps

The holidays I have taken so far kind of have a tone set i.e. I end up doing similar things or have similar experience. For e.g. if I visit national parks, its all about soaking in nature and if I visited cities its all about the diverse experience it has to offer. This journey however was markedly different from my previous ones, as it was combination of both. 

Swiss alps have earned a kind of notoriety in India, thanks to all movies shot in those locales. Majority of the Indians visiting Europe makes it a point to visit the swiss alps. I guess I was in that mindset of 'When in Europe I am must visit the alps' when I was planning. However I chose an offbeat section of the Alps (its not even Switzerland) to visit or rather drive across. 

It is 48 km of road across a section of the Austrian Alps called Grossglockner. Its open only 5 months of a year and I must say the drive was spectacular. The road had opened to traffic a week before my visit and I pretty much had the road to myself. I must say I loved the lack of crowds as I could stop when I pleased at turnouts and savor the beauty and majesty of the alps. There are 36 bends along the road and at certain turnouts you can view the these bends.

The view of the hairpin curves at one of the turnouts.

I had the road to myself :D I could fix a tripod in the middle of the road to snap pictures

When I started driving on the road, the weather was amazing- clear blue skies, amazing sunshine and the snow around me glittered like diamonds. 

As I approached the highest point on this drive, I decided to take a break at one of the cafes and savor Austrian pancakes- A decision I came to regret. In a matter of 20 minutes, the clouds appeared out of nowhere and it started snowing! I have never driven in snow! I have lived all my life in the tropics. The 20 minutes drive from 8848 ft to 6000 ft, was the scariest in my life. Visibility was bad and the roads were slippery. I started chanting Hanuman Chalisa and was close to getting a heart attack. Eventually, the snowfall abated (they were around only on the top) and I could breathe easy. I thanked god and the rest of my drive was uneventful. There is a hike to a glacier along the drive. The path was closed due to inclement weather.I stopped at a beautiful hamlet called Heiligenblut which is at the end of the drive. I snapped more pictures and drove on to Salzburg. 

Snowfall at the highest point on the drive.

The other side of the mountain and I had clear skies once again. Thank heavens!

The view of the Heiligenblut valley.

The chapel at Heiligenblut- with Austrian alps in the background

P.S: The drive to Salzburg on the autobahn at 200kmph was not as scary as the 10kmph drive in snowy conditions on Grossglockner. Irony!

Day 1: Visiting the land of romance- Neuschwanstein and Linderhof Castles

My favorite memory of childhood is the one where Ajji (dad's mom) would do kai tuttu (putting small morsels of food on hand) under the moonlight and captivate me with stories and fairytales. The magical worlds described in those fairytales enthralled me. I spent countless hours with my sister making up our own fairytale worlds which eventually turned into a hair pulling, kicking and name calling fight as both of us wanted to be the same character in that story. As I grew older I began reading about the origin of fairytales and was surprised to discover that cinderella, rapunzel, sleeping beauty etc were of written by german authors. Thus began my fascination with german romantic literature and I have always wanted to visit Bavaria, the setting for many of these tales. 

On May 11th 2014, I finally got to visit Bavaria the place I have dreamt of since childhood. I must say my imagination did injustice to the beauty of this place. The rolling slopes, green meadows, the crisp air, flowers in bloom-- it was magical. The drive itself put me on a high.

I visited Neuschwanstein castle first, built by King Ludwig 2 of Bavaria, as a dedication to Wagner's operas. Its a half an hour walk up to the castle in the woods, with amazing views. The palace was never completed as Ludwig 2 died (or murdered) under mysterious circumstances. I took a tour of the castle, but wasn't allowed to take pictures inside. After the tour I headed to Mary's Bridge, from where I got amazing views of the castle.

View of the castle after the short hike

One of the walls of Neuschwanstein

Mary's bridge from the castle

The front entrance 

View of the castle from Mary's bridge

Next stop was Hohenschwangau castle. It was built by Ludwig's father and Ludwig grew up over there. Both castles are on top of small mountains and have outstanding views of the valleys below.

View of Hohenschwangau castle from Neuschwanstein

View of Neuschwanstein from Hohenschwangau

Hohenschwangau Castle

Neuschwanstein as seen from the highway

My next stop was Linderhof Castle, the smallest of the castles built by Ludwig 2. The best features of the castle were- The venus Grotto and the gardens around the palace. The king built the grotto and gardens to have musical concerts. The lucky bastard! I was truly envious. 

Linderhof Castle and the surrounding gardens

The venus grotto- There is a boat in the middle of the lake, where the king sat to listen to concerts

The tour of the castle, was creepy though. It showcased the eccentric artistic tastes of the king. His private room in particular was weird- filled with mirrors and inlaid gold patterns. Five minutes in the room, made me dizzy, sort of like a drug induced haze. Ludwig 2 spent hours in this room. May be it was his way of going on a high!

The king's private room! He even had chandeliers made out of Ivory!

After spending a day getting drenched in rain, I was looking forward to the warmth of my hotel room in Munich.

The solo road trip begins

I am a quirky person. My tastes and interests have never been mainstream. My cousin calls me a 'White Elitist' just because I enjoy going to ballets, operas, eating at michelin rated restaurants and reading classics. However I would like to reiterate that a lot of my interests aren't main stream and I am definitely not an elitist. 

I like to travel. A lot. I caught this bug from my parents, who love to travel and explore new places. Like everything in this world group travel has its pro's and cons. The major con of traveling in a group is the lack of flexibility. I don't mind having company but traveling solo has its allure as I can stick to my own timetable, visit off-beat places and activities.

I have done three solo trips so far:

• New York City for christmas and new year of 2010. (this trip wasn't completely solo as I met up with friends in NYC)
• Glacier national park in Montana where I went hiking 100 miles on my own in the wilderness.
• Boston and Acadia national park during fall to do leaf peeping (its a term americans use when they travel to check out the glorious fall colors)

Getting my parents onboard is getting easier with each trip. When I went to NYC on my own my parents were super worried and gave me a call every half hour. Over time they became more supportive of my wanderings. Despite them being supportive in the past, I had, had reservations of their support for my upcoming trip. I waited until I got my visa to inform them which was two days prior departure. Their reaction to this news blew me away. Instead of being cross Dad told me to take care and enjoy and and mom went on chattering about her colleagues going to Europe. I must say I am impressed! I had expected them to flip out but they surprised me by being extremely supportive and dad even offered to send me money to cover the expenses of the trip. Its official! My parents are the coolest!! 

Thus my solo road trip to Europe (the first among many I hope) began on 9th May at 3: 30 AM when the shuttle to the airport came to pick me up. Gone are the days when flight travel excited me. Long flights are extremely tiring and boring thanks to the cramped seats, crappy food and no sleep. I know these are first world problems, but getting assigned to a middle seat next to a snoring guy (I had an aisle seat before) to accommodate a newly married couple puts me in a funny mood. Is it fate's way of mocking at me for being single? Don't I get enough of it already? :(

The first leg from LA to Newark seemed to last forever . The second leg of the journey from Newark to Munich was comfortable, as I got my assigned aisle seat (my prayers got answered thankfully, else I would have killed the couple who took my seat!). I befriended an adorable 3 year old who looked exactly like the girl described in the nursery poem 'chubby cheeks'. She sat on my lap for 3 hours, played with me and cried murder when I gave her back to her dad. Awwww! 

Seven hours later I landed in Munich got my passport stamped, ate lunch at airport, picked up the rental car and got lost in the narrow alleys thanks to road signs in German. Finally I reached the hotel and bought a parking ticket for 28 euro, because I realized I will never find parking on those narrow streets (San Francisco city streets felt huge in comparison and that's something). I spent the whole day curled up in bed instead of exploring Munich because I had gone without sleep for 36 hours. Peace \m/.

Joys of having an Indian Passport

I planned my Europe trip the very last minute. I realized I can go on a solo trip (read as afford) as soon as I got back my tax returns. Hence the planning began two weeks before the intended date of departure (I am very well known for my last minute antics).

I was under the assumption that obtaining Schengen visa will be easy, but my illusion was shattered soon enough. Since my point of entry to the EU was at Munich, I had to apply for a Schengen visa at a German consulate. I started looking through the German consulate websites for the various documents required to obtain a visa. There was no consistency as each consulate in the United states had listed different set of documents required in order to obtain a visa. For e.g SF german consulate needed W2 (tax filing form) for the last three years where as the consulate in LA did not mention anything about needing a W2.

The reason for this inconsistency is because people with american passports can fly to Germany (or 172 countries across the globe) visa free and consulates don't need to worry about having a streamlined visa process in the US much to my annoyance.

The list of documents I needed to obtain a visa seemed endless-- They needed a valid airline ticket, travel insurance (apparently my insurance in the US wont cover for up to $60k on international travel), pre- booked hotel/ hostel reservations, employment verification letter, bank statements for the last three months (to prove that I have sufficient funds), W2, my pay stubs for the last three months, copies of all the visas in my passport, my EAD card and I 20. By the time I got all these documents ready I was pissed off. Because if I did not get my visa on time I would lose a lot of money, thanks to my non refundable pre- bookings. All because of a passport. Sigh.!

Some of the guys I know at my lab who have American passports went hitchhiking and couch- surfing all across Europe with probably 100$ in their pockets. I don't think they had insurance, and some of them worked part time at bars to make money for their onward travel. And here I am subjected to the torture of getting a visa every time I want to travel. By the time I finished taking printouts of the documents needed I was hatching a devious plan. To trap some American citizen guy and make him marry me. That way I can get an American passport in three years. Sounds preposterous I know. But hey-- I was frustrated and coming up with devious ideas kept me sane.

The visa interview went on smoothly. I bonded with the visa officer by talking about Tristan and Isolde and other Wagner's operas. She was impressed with my knowledge of Germany (as I went on talking about why I wanted to visit the places and how it was my childhood dream etc) and assured me that I would get my visa as she wanted help me fulfill my childhood dreams. Reading a lot pays off I guess.

On my way back home, from the consulate I began praying, for the patience needed to go through this process again--Unless I let my devious side take me over. 

The European Odyssey

I know it's been really long since my last post. Beginning of the year I promised myself that I would write one post a week, roughly translating to 4 posts a month. But I have failed to stick to that plan so far and hopefully I can make up for it from here on. 

I had the best 8 days of my life last week. The reason for my happiness? My solo road trip for 8 days in central Europe. Last year in particular has been very hard on me. I discovered that I suffered from ADHD. I had a host of other emotional issues I had to deal with and I was at the lowest point in my life. But I would like to say that, seeking help and trying to fix the issues that have been plaguing me has been a major turning point in my life. I feel like a whole new person, a phoenix born from the ashes. I am really happy I got this second chance from life- To discover how beautiful the world around me is, to get to know how wonderful people are. 

I got support from random people and I truly believe that I am blessed to have all this love, affection and warmth around me. I know life will have its ups and downs and it wont be easy. But I have realized that life is beautiful and the world is a magical place. Good or bad, I have a lot to learn, lot to explore and be extremely thankful for the privileged life I have.

I want to blog about my trip in Europe as I really want to share my happiest experience with everyone. So stay tuned.

Romantically Challenged

I read a brilliant article on buzzfeed, about dating. I can relate because that's how I feel about dating. Dating/ Romance happens to be a skill missing from my repertoire of social skills. I cannot romance to save my life. 

These are the reasons as to why I am still single and not capable to mingle:

1. I love my parents. You may wonder how that is related to me being single. Here's how: My parents won't be happy if I date a guy outside my caste. Also they are strong believers in astrology. Unless the horoscopes match they won't give their blessing to any guy I date/ have a relationship with. I won't date a guy unless I get their blessing. My parents criteria makes 99% of the men on planet earth undatable. Finding someone compatible in that 1% seems like work of fiction. Loving one's own parents can be hazardous to one's dating/ romance life.

2. Corny statements don't make me blush-- instead they make me laugh. Like LOL! ROFTL! So if a guy tries to hit on me by coming up with a corny statement- such as comparing me to the moon --my left brain takes precedence over my right. I analyze the statement logically and find fallacy with it. I find it hilarious and respond with sarcasm. This happens to be the best guy repellant in my armor. 

3. I don't know how to behave like a female (or what ever that means). I don't give a damn about chivalry. There are times when I have carried a guy's bag or held the door open for him. I don't do it on purpose. I just look at the practicality of the situation i.e. I am closer to the door and it makes no sense to wait for a guy to open it. Turns out such actions on my part makes the guy lose his erection.

4. I cannot flirt. I have no idea how to be cloyingly sweet and attract attention. Thinking about it gives me cooties. 

5. I hate dressing up and looking good. Dressing up for a date is way too complicated. Hair needs to be done, make up needs to be done, appropriate clothes, shoes and accessories need to be selected. It takes ages to get ready! The suffering doesn't end after getting ready--the clothes that make me look good are the ones that make me so uncomfortable that it makes me wanna rip it off and burn it. Don't even get me started on the shoes. I am sure all the good looking shoes were once used as torture devices in the middle ages. They are designed to kill feet. Why would I willingly want to go through this torture, just so that I look good for him? 

6. I will be showing more interest towards food than the guy. I mean its food-- My first love. Food is readily available and comes with no strings attached. Why would I care about how the guy looks/ smiles/ talks when I am already being satiated? 

The list can go on and on. I suck at dating/ romancing a guy. Big deal. Gives me more time to do things I am good at.

Happy New Year! Take pride in being single.

First World Problems

Sometimes I catch a virus called First World Problems or FWP  A short summary of the disease is given below:

Cause: Usually triggered off by interacting with people under very normal circumstances.

Symptoms: Depression, Hopelessness, Identity Crisis and Panic Attacks

Cure: Eating high calorie junk food and moving on to the denial phase.

Definition of First World Problem virus:

Virus that attacks the well endowed class. It makes people forget the big picture and helps them focus on trivial and shallow problems. Example: Not finding my favorite pasta sauce and having to settle for a different sauce makes me annoyed. I know I should be grateful for being able to afford the food I want to eat. Yet I am angry for having to change my dinner plans.

How I caught this virus three days back:

It was a normal Friday afternoon. I had a productive day and was in a good mood. I was waiting in line at the USC pharmacy to pick up my prescription medications. That's when I noticed him. He was soooooo gorgeous. Looked like some chiseled greek god with his blond hair and blue eyes. He picked up something from the meds aisle and caught me staring at him. He smiled back and started talking to me. Americans are really good at the so called 'small talk'. Now he is behind me in the line. He asked me if I wanted to grab coffee with him at Ronald Tutor Hall. I have never been on dates with strangers. To be honest I don't go on dates. But being asked out by a hot guy is a huge ego booster and it made me reckless. I said yes.

Two counters opened up at the same time. So the handsome hunk and myself stand next to each other and begin checking out our meds at our respective counters. The pharmacist at the hunk's counter asked him for his date of birth. He said ' 5th May 1996'. I almost had a heart attack. He is almost 10 years younger than I am!!! He is younger than my sister! Shit! I was close to hyperventilating. Thankfully I finished my transaction before him and fled without taking a second look. The FWP virus had successfully entered my system.

Manifestation of the symptoms:

I ran out of the pharmacy and contemplated on places to hide. I felt ancient. I felt like a cradle robbing pervert. I hated being old. Thus the self loathing and self doubt began. I had gone from being immensely happy to having an intense identity crisis in less than 7 minutes. I know I should be feeling happy that a hot 18 year old flirted with me. I should feel happy that I look young and have good health. Yet I chose to ignore that. The virus is very strong you see. Its really good at the work it does. I just walked to the train station so that I could go home. My bat-cave. The place to hide and sulk till I find a cure to the FWP virus.

Finding a cure:

There isn't a fixed cure for FWP's. Its trial and error of various activities until I find the one that helps. I repeat that activity long enough for me to forget my identity crisis and transition into denial. The activities usually involve eating fattening food (I will think about cardiac arrest and diabetes after I recover) and watching TV shows. 

* I had to settle for chocolate ice-cream as it was the only fattening food I could find in my bat-cave. I watched Agents of SHIELD (all 10 episodes), finished a gallon of chocolate ice-cream and dozed off into the denial phase. 

Conclusion:

I woke up the next morning feeling shallow and stupid. I had been cured. I thank my blessings for the life I have and try to move on. But I could feel the virus lurking around in the corner waiting for its next opportunity to strike me. I am sure the virus doesn't have to wait very long. *Sigh*

P.S: If I could ever compete with Marie Antoinette for shallowness I am sure I would come close to winning. 

Namma Bengaluru

I watched Citizen Kane, yet again. Kane on his deathbed remembers a memory from his childhood which was probably the happiest times of his life. Watching it put me into a nostalgic mood and I started reminiscing about home- Bengaluru.  Happy times. Its been close to two years since I went home.

The rainy Bengaluru skies

My mom's beautiful rose garden

I have had a tough year. I realized something wasn't okay with my life. It hasn't been for a long time. I refused to accept the fact that I may be suffering from depression. I pushed off seeking help for way too long. I don't know why, its probably because of the stigma associated with any sort of mental illness. To accept help for mental illness is considered weakness and yet accepting help for depression has been one of the hardest thing I have done so far.

I went to consult a psychiatrist in August, claiming that I am not happy though I have everything I want in life. They asked me to think about the time I was the happiest and determine the reasons for my happiness. 

That's when it hit me. I haven't been happy ever since I was 15. I was happier when I did not have the things I have today. I did not have a swanky degree from one of the top schools in the US. I did not have paper publications. I did not have a huge penthouse loft in downtown Los Angeles. I did not have fancy shoes/ clothes/ books and other stuff I have today. I did not dine at fancy restaurants or do solo road trips. I did not have any gadgets. I did not have money of my own.

Yet I was in a blissful heaven. Those were the times when:

• I would wait for exams to get over and for summer holidays to begin so that I could spend endless hours in the scorching sun searching for insects, flowers, leaves, kittens, puppies in the gullies of Malleshwaram. 
• I would wait for my dad to come home so that he could take me out to buy me a softy ice- cream from MTR. 
• I would wait for that time in the evening when my grandmother would light up the lamps, incense sticks and recite prayers. 
• I would wait for the neighbors to head out so that I could steal raw mangoes from their tree. 
• I would spend countless hours plotting my next prank.
• I would have fantasies about going on rides in fun world and eating cotton candy. 
• I would wait for sunday evenings to watch a Kannada movie airing on DD1 with my family. 
• I would wait patiently to see if small change was lying around so that I could go buy the unhealthy lolly- ice candy. 
• I would patiently wait for a mosquito to let its guard down so that I could take pride in killing it. 
• I would wait for nights when my dad would take me to the railway station and feed me thair sadam (rice with yogurt) with pickle as we watched trains jostle by. 
• I would wait to go to my grandmother's house so that I could demand her to tell me stories from morning till night. 
• I would wait to come back from school so that I could watch cartoons on Cartoon Network with my sister and argue about who gets Dexter. (We both had a crush on Dexter from Dexter's lab.)

Materially I had nothing. I was in school, carefree, did not give a s*$# about my identity, did not feel bad that guys took no notice of me, did not care about my grades and performance. Yet I was rich with - happiness, innocence, naiveness, bustling energy, naughtiness, imagination. I had everything I ever wanted in life.

It sucks to grow up and fend for myself. It sucks to have a real understanding of the world. It sucks to know that I have become cynical about a lot of things in life. It sucks to know that I don't possess the richness I had, 12 years ago. 

The positive outcome of going and seeking help for depression has helped me reconnect with my childhood. I have a clearer perspective about the things I want in life. I am in the process of rediscovering the child buried deep within me. I have learned the value of small experiences.

Most importantly I have realized the value of having a wonderful childhood in Bengaluru, for giving me priceless memories to cherish for a lifetime. I miss home.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite American holiday. Being away from home I don't get to celebrate Indian festivals on a grand scale- I don't have holidays on the days of the festival, everyone is busy and I don't have the right things at home to perform an elaborate puja. 

Hence I try to compensate for things I miss out during Thanksgiving. Its about being thankful for all the great things / people in my life and spending time with my loved ones by sharing an elaborate meal. Whats good about this holiday is that I don't have to worry about getting the customs right- I just invite my friends over for dinner and we have some fun. Plus there is the added bonus of looking forward to black friday deals. I would say going to a shopping mall at midnight and shopping all through the night has been my thanksgiving tradition.

Thanksgiving dinner- 2013 @ my place.

Apart from all the shopping, meeting friends and eating rich food -- the tradition I love the most is making a list of things I am thankful for, because each time I do it, I have a new found appreciation about the things/people I have in my life.

So here's my list for this year: ( This is going to be a long post so please bear with me)

1. I am thankful for the wonderful family I have- This year I became closer to my parents and I am mending the distance I had developed with my mother over the years.

2. I am thankful for the wonderful friends I have- who stuck by me through my adversities and helped me become a better person. (Manish Harnur, Shankar Ganesan, Vallabh Prakash, Shreyas Payal, Deepika Podila, Arvind Iyer, Vikram Ramanarayanan, Poornima Balakrishnan, Suhas Thotada Ravi, Prathyusha Chilagani, Sanjay Shanthakumar, Kathik Shekar)

3. I am thankful for finding a job that I love: I found this job when all others failed and I was about to  go back home. It was a happy accident. My learning curve has been exponential. 

4. I am thankful for all things related to USC: Leavey Library, fountain near Tommy Trojan, Ground Zero, Alumni Park, Olin Hall of Engineering.

5. I am thankful for the beautiful apartment I am living in.

6. I am thankful for the city I am living in. I am exploring LA and its been an awesome experience so far- the beaches, museums, restaurants, coffee bars. The list goes on and on.

7. I am thankful for all the holidays I could take this year- Yosemite national park, Acadia national park, Death Valley national park, Catalina Island and the upcoming trip to Florida :D

8. I am thankful for the invention of anti- depressants and ADHD medicines.

9. I am thankful for the existence of the following technologies- Internet, Cell phone, Air Travel,  MacBook Air, Kindle reader, Ipod, digital cameras,Netflix, Pandora.

10. I am thankful for being able to understand myself, re-discover my passions and over come adversity.

11. I am thankful for all the courses I learned/ learning on Coursera:

12. Last but not the least ( actually this is the most important one)- I am thankful for prayers: Hanuman Chalisa, Vishnu Sahasranamam, Aditya Hridayam, Bhajagovindam, Guru Bhakti Geeta and various devotional songs which has been a guiding lamp, source of solace and tranquility in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The GOP hypocrisy

After I started following Aaron Sorkin's magnum opus ' The West Wing' I became extremely interested in knowing more about the way policies are shaped in Washington. I must admit that I really had no idea about the ideologies of the Republicans and the Democrats. I was apolitical during the 2012 elections, though I leaned towards Romney in the end. 

That's because the conservative ideologies of the Republican Party appealed to me - less debt, less taxes, more growth, better family values, affinity towards religion and so on. That changed when I started watching West Wing, which in turn led me to read a lot of books/ watch documentaries about various issues plaguing the world. That's when I realized the hypocrisy of the conservative values preached by the Republicans. 

I never considered myself to be an environmentally conscious person. Moving to the US four years ago made me conscious about the way I spent my money. I was on a student's budget and I had to optimize the limited resources. So I tried to eat as many meals at home as possible, minimize food wastage, stop spending on stuff that was considered a luxury (more shoes, clothes, junk like cookies, chocolate) and use public transport. Not buying stuff that I would rarely use/ make me unhealthy had its benefits - I was healthy and fit thanks to home cooked healthy meals and I saved money. I used this money to pursue things that gave me a lot of happiness as opposed to the instant gratification I would get by buying shoes, accessories, clothes etc. 

Traveling in the US has been the greatest experience of my life. It broadened my horizons of thinking by leaps and bounds. Coming from India I was not accustomed to seeing such vast and empty lands with forests! This made me appreciate nature in its virgin form and I became interested in nature conservatism. This interest made me a convert and I adopted a minimalistic lifestyle, even though I am earning and can afford luxuries. I haven't bought clothes in over a year because my wardrobe is already bursting in its seams and I wont replenish the stock until my clothes wear out. I haven't bought other accessories like handbags, shoes, bedspreads etc because I barely use the ones I have. I don't buy packaged food, bottled juices, pasta sauces so that I cut down on the amount of plastic and glass waste. To what ever extent possible I cook and eat at home and I haven't wasted food in over two years now. I try to limit my showers to less than five minutes

I digress. Coming back to the topic, I really don't understand the ideologies of the Republicans where they preach solutions without realizing that they are the root cause of the problems.

1. They are staunch advocators of the 'American Dream' which encourages over consumption and living beyond means. They call this overconsumption and destruction of environment as growth. They trash the environmental lobby for advocating green reforms in industries by calling them anti- growth and communist. However common sense dictates that the more you consume beyond your means the more debt you will be in. This debt cycle is designed such that the money is transferred from the lower/ middle class to the upper class and without debt there will be no super rich CEO's and executives on Wall Street who fund the Republicans. Yet they claim that they are ' Fiscal conservative' meaning that they want lesser debt and balanced budget. How is that even possible when they are responsible for encouraging people to get into the debt cycle?
2. They are pro-choice, try to marginalize the effectiveness of contraceptives,cry fowl over universal health care which enables woman to get birth control for free and educational benefits given to the lower class immigrants. Yet they show utmost contempt and fear towards the growing numbers of the immigrant population knowing very well that this problem can be solved with universal health care and better education. 
3. They are anti-immigration and take measures and spend billions to curb the mexican population crossing the border. They blame the illegal immigrants of stealing the american jobs. Since the Reagan administration the population control administration in Mexico is getting lesser funds from the US to fight population explosion. Even the funds they get come with a clause- Abortion was made illegal, echoing the conservative policies (read appeasing the church) of the Republicans. They stall programs aimed at curtailing the number of children per woman in Mexico and Latin America and yet blame overpopulation as the cause of illegal immigration.

Thanks West Wing for making me realize the hypocrisy of the Republican Party.

LA Meri Jaan!

Sometimes I feel

Like I don't have a partner

Sometimes I feel

Like my only friend

Is the city I live in

The city of Angels

-- These are the first few lines taken from the song ' Under the bridge' by Red Hot Chili Peppers. This is how I feel about Los Angeles. 

My life took a dramatic turn 4.5 years ago when I left home and came to LA for my higher studies. While Bangalore is my birth city, LA is my re-birth city. LA is where I metamorphosed into the person I am today. Life was not easy in LA- especially to a girl who left behind her sheltered and privileged existence. I had to do everything on my own, I had to live with people I did not know and I had to work very hard to achieve my goals.

I struggled because of loneliness, stress, deadlines (I had a knack of selecting the toughest courses), issues with room- mates. For the first few months I had a constant urge to go back home, back to my comfort zone. But eventually I learned to fight my fears. I learned to work hard. I learned to make friends. I learned the art of networking. I learned how to be independent. I learned a lot about data analytics. I learned to be a better person. I learned a lot about myself. 

Its been an exhilarating journey. I graduated from school two years ago. I have been working with USC ever since. LA is the city which helped me define myself. LA is the city which taught me to explore. Though I live alone I never get lonely. Because LA is my muse.

P.S. I love walking around in downtown and taking pics. Here are the few pics taken during my walks. 

Walt disney concert hall

Grand Central Market

Olvera Street- Oldest part of LA

Grand Avenue ' Stars' at night

Grand central park- Civic center

Los Angeles Public Library and US Bank tower

Los Angeles Public Library from Bunker hill steps

My beloved apartment complex- Milano lofts

Check out my guest blog!

I was a guest blogger for my friends blog. Check out the article @

http://plundermymind.blogspot.com/2013/10/predictive-analysis-and-ok-cupid.html

I am on the marriage market- Thanks to my parents!

My apologies for not posting  in over a month! I have a lot left in my drafts and will hopefully edit them this week and post it. However I have my first guest blogger! Suhas aka Boi! He s my friend since high school and is endowed with the knack of ' annoying the crap out of me'. 

Our fights and arguments is considered legendary amongst our friends. We also had an argument about who gets married first. Suhas was very sure that I would attend his wedding with my husband and two kids. Turns out he's getting closer to being married than I am. So here's the account of his entry into the marriage market:

I am on the marriage market- Thanks to my parents:

My start to a very debatable topic that has plagued a gazillion people the world over and especially where I live : India. 

The land of the strange for people from foreign lands, the land with a million gods and a million more stories and the land from which some guy wrote the best sex manual ever. Everything changes and similarly things started changing over here too. Freedom of expression got a new meaning at base level and it was respected save a few things and amongst those few are the parents right over their kids.

Parents are the self elected righteous decision making adjudicators in their kid’s lives and all hell breaks loose when they come of age i.e during the time of their marriage and oh boy it was a catastrophe when my turn came in.

Being a 25 year old guy from a respectable family, I got my hands full if being a doctor wasn’t enough. I got it going pretty decent me being from clan bearing the ‘y’ chromosome. Parents allow their kids freedom in every aspects saying that they respect their opinions, their wills and wishes, but when it comes to choosing our life partners, the entire dynamics change and we are apparently the biggest retards that ever existed. Here is how my story went:

I work in hospital 40 miles away from my home and I generally come home on weekends. Its usually a sort of a get away for me after a long hard week having to deal with patients and 1 weekend was no different-or so I thought.

I come home and after giving my folks a montage about my week’s mortality rate I generally end up playing on my desktop. I was acing counterstrike playing as a counter terrorist with a sniper. I was on a roll…raking up kills one after the other. I noticed my parents walk into the living room exactly the way predators stalk their pray. I made a mental note of their presence through the corner of my eyes, but ignored them and happily went on my killing spree with accurate head shots. My dad curiously came and saw what I was playing and after a bit of 'tsk tsk,' went back to take his place on the sofa…

Next 10 mins ensued in total silence when I got the 1^st drift that something was up but did not acknowledge it. My mother broke the silence saying ‘Suhas’. Ok now I knew something was definitely up since my parents never called me by my name. I am usually called by a load of nicknames in my household since childhood. So there was a first, but I was still oblivious to it as I was completely engrossed in killing terrorists playing against a bunch of dudes from Hungary.

“Suhas, turn off the PC. We need to talk to you”

“Sure mom go ahead and talk. I’m listening” Bam bam boom.

“Its important”

“Yes I’m sure it is, talk…I’m listening” I said going in for record kills

“We’re planning on getting you married”

KABOOM…! I  got a headshot and got the shock of my life as I watched my virtual blood splatter all over the monitor.

I was literally like What The FUCK…! 

Dad  glared at me and said “Watch the profanity boy.”

I was dumbstruck. I could feel the floor disappear from beneath my feet and getting the wind knocked out of my lungs at the same time. Suddenly I had this mental note about a piece of A4 paper going through a paper shredder.

After taking in the punch, I rebounded back:

“Dad. What the hell is wrong with you people..?... Im not getting married so soon”

“Not soon my dear son. After you complete your course.”

“But that’s like in a year, Im not getting married until I am at least 30 years”

Woah..! the incredulous look that my mom gave when I said 30 years was so memorable. She looked as though I had asked her for both her kidneys.

That's when it all started. My parents launched a psychological warfare with no holds barred. They started off saying that it was a matter of responsibility for them, and they had to start looking for a girl now in case they had to zero in on a girl by the end of a year….seriously..???( I had this vivid visualization of my parents walking among a crowded street trading brides-to-be in a slave market types)

Then they started out stating the pros of getting married early on how you can have a kid early and  be done with responsibilities early in my life and exactly 55 years 8 months 2 days 10 hrs later they had finished theirs and majority of what I heard was just blah blah blah and blah blah….

O.K First of all. I don’t wanna handle a repulsive kid so early in my life. Secondly I don’t want have the responsibility of getting married and upholding it so early in my life. Third, I got a lot of agendas with a lot of unfinished business in my life and getting married wasn’t one of them. Hell, even the thought of it made me squirm and made me feel like drowning myself in a glass of water.

Further on they started asking me what type of a girl I wanted assuming that I had consented to their proposal-- Like whether I wanted a working woman or a home-maker and a whole lot of other questions based on complexion, height and educational qualifications (gee guys..looks like somebody still makes em like they used to)

After A whole lot of arguing, huffing and puffing, the argument ended up in a stalemate where no consensus was reached. But 1 thing was for sure, things have escalated to a whole new level and I have to be on my guard and have to plan on contingencies ASAP. And the fight still goes on.